The Cakdons
The Cakdons are a species of aliens from a role-playing game that we constructed many years ago. They are a warrior species with a rich culture and some interesting biological characteristics. Cakdons consider vomit, excreta and egesta as not only a delicious form of nutrition (when cooked - Cakdons like their food hot, including their beer), but also rather erotic. They throw up on each other as a chat-up line, and consider this a complement. They are extremely proud of their sexuality, and flaunt it with great gusto, taking names connected with sexual prowess at puberty. They are renowned for their honor, their loyalty, their fierceness in battle, their love of games and the size of their private parts.
The Cakdon Book of Records is published annually, following the Cakdon games. These days, other species happily join in, and the book has become a multicultural feast for xenoanthropologists.
© Ramonsky 2000
THE LIVING WORLD
LARGEST ANIMAL
The largest animal ever seen in Cakdon space was a Feckdonian war elephant, spotted by F’kem All on Federation date 649. He also saw two monks swimming in a bath of ice cream, a three-hundred-litre jar of Cakdon brandy and a small electrical device inside one of his own nostrils. And that’s the last time he took magic mushrooms.
The second largest animal ever seen in Cakdon space was the captain of the warship Allballs, who was refused sentient status after swallowing his opponent in a wrestling match.
LARGEST PRIVATE PARTS ON AN ANIMAL
The largest known private parts in the animal world belong to the Cuntakinty Dragon, whose fanny is large enough to drive a family hovercar up. The last example autopsied by a veterinary surgeon was found to have three destitute families camping in its vagina.
NICEST TASTING ANIMAL
The most pleasant animal to eat is undoubtedly the Buggerem Buggerem Buggerem Ringsucker fish, which lives up the arsehole of sea-dwelling mammals and eats only shit. It is a maritime delicacy which happily prepares itself, being best when sucked directly out whilst still hot.
MOST FEROCIOUS ANIMAL
- Cakdons themselves.
- The most ferocious animal ever encountered was in fact a false alarm, being in actual fact a wallaby-shaped starship armed with photon torpedos. It killed several zookeepers before the mistake was discovered.
STUPIDEST ANIMAL
The dumbest animal in the universe is undoubtedly the Cabanny Stuffer, which catches its own young as they are born and shoves them up its arse, believing them to be suppositories. It eventually dies of constipation.
STUPIDEST LOOKING ANIMAL
There is some contention over this category since it became unfashionable to be racist, but the present top contender is probably the Matabele turtle, whose appearance is perfectly normal except for its rear end, which resembles a small shuttlecraft. It is thought that the turtle evolved this feature as a camouflage to evade hunters in hovercraft.
SMELLIEST ANIMAL
The smelliest animal known to Cakdons is the Soomian Peach-rose lizard, which smells like lemon ice cream and can make fully grown people puke at three hundred metres. When killed and cooked, it tastes rather good, and is hunted by teams of natives in biological warfare suits. The odour disappears upon cooking, but synthetic versions of it were used for a while as chemical weapons.
MOST HAZARDOUS LOVE LIFE
The creature with the most hazardous love life has to be the Stangflor Dangler, which woos its mate by hanging off the edge of cliffs and wanking until the male climbs down it to copulate. They do this still hanging from the edge and many plummet to their doom because of a weight problem. Scientists have calculated that, were their home planets gravity to increase even by 0.5, the Stangflor dangler would become extinct overnight, and again the following morning.
MOST POISONOUS ANIMAL
The deadliest beast known to exist is the Smart Snake, whose saliva is amongst the strongest known to science. It is extremely fast and completely blind, which makes hunting it one of the most dangerous sports ever, as it can gob 300 metres.
TASTIEST INSECT
The tastiest morsel from the insect world is undoubtedly the famous F’Kung lizard, which, served hot in a hot chocolate sauce, is the staple menu in tribes and upper class cafes throughout the galaxy. Thought for years to be a tiny reptile, it is in fact related to the locust.
NASTIEST INSECT
The galaxy’s nastiest insect is undoubtedly the Sneakfucker, which crawls up your orifices whilst you are asleep and lays its eggs there, these hatching into giant hedgehog-like young 12 hours later. They are impossible to remove without a general anaesthetic, or a master torturer.
CAKDON AND SPACE
MOST PLANETS CONQUERED IN ONE SOLAR SYSTEM
M’Fuck Fuckafuck, famous general of the CFN war, once conquered 17 planets in the Boonoin system after the ships surgeon filled all the refectory salt-cellars with high grade amphetamine sulphate. Two of the planets later turned out to be asteroids, but this is still the record.
LARGEST NATURAL OBJECT TO HIT A STARSHIP
On Federation date 405, The cargo ship Bumbanger, under the captainship of M’cunt Snaffler, ran into a gas giant coming in the opposite direction. The insurance company (based on Gong) claimed
it was the planets fault and M’Cunt got compensation from its only sentient form of life.
LARGEST NATURAL OBJECT TO NEARLY HIT A STARSHIP
The largest natural object which came close to collision with a starship was Gobblers Comet, which passed through Feckdons solar system some hundred years ago and came close enough to the cargo ship Bum to shower it with particles of ice, one large piece of which the ship tractor beamed home. Unfortunately it melted on re-entry.
FASTEST CONQUERING OF A PLANET
Trodnon. When the Cakdons invaded, the conversation went like this:
Captain: "We have come to invade you".
Natives: "Okay".
LARGEST COLONY
The largest Cakdon colony is on Oomigoolies in sector 14. The planet is home to three billion Cakdons and was the second planet ever to be colonised.
SMALLEST COLONY
Dooron. A small community of Boomer monks moved there around 50 years ago. There are about thirty of them.
LARGEST CRATER CAUSED BY AN EXPLOSION
Is on one of Feckdons moons, following an antimatter research experiment. The Professor in charge, Dr. Bollokoff, was gaoled for fifteen years after the accident, which was caused by him having sex on top of a control panel. The scientist he was doing it with at the time said, "It was great. The earth moved."
GREATEST EXPLOSION
The greatest natural explosion known to Cakdons was the supernova of the star Wang 900 years ago. The greatest non-natural explosion is still attributed to Dr. Bollokoff (see previous entry).
BEST VOLCANO
Fuckafuckawackwack on the moon Haaaargh in the Spamsick system is a tourist attraction amongst volcanoes, giving spectacular displays several times a year. The moon was bought by Richardion Marniero earky last year. He plans to open a tourist resort there shortly.
BEST EARTHQUAKE
(See: largest crater caused by an explosion, above.)
SHITTIEST WEATHER
Interpreted literally, this is of course seen on the amazing planet of Phaw, where it rains shit. The organic excreta and egesta of the native population is highly unstable and tends to explode after ejection, causing a constant rain of turds across the inhabited lands.
BEST STORM
Stardate 33019, on the planet Phaw. (See above.)
STRONGEST WIND
Gobblygooly in sector 9 has gales of up to 900k per hour. It used to have a Cakdon prison on its first continent, which is now on all seven.
THE CAKDON BEING
LARGEST MUSCLES
M’Dong Dangler from Buggerem buggerem buggerem has the record for the largest muscles on a Cakdon. He used to fly hovercars manually on Gobblygooly (see above).
LONGEST HAIR
The longest hair ever recorded belonged to the famous mass murderer Suck M’Tits. She was executed with it after using it to strangle 17 victims. The decapitated head, with plait, was used in corporal punishment as a birch for ten years afterwards. When last measured it was 3m long.
MOST TEETH KNOCKED OUT
General Drunk Slobabout reputedly lost his teeth (the entire set) fourteen times during his employment as a referee in military wrestling on space station Puke over a two year period.
MOST FEROCIOUS FINGERNAILS
Donkeydick M’Kumbi has the record for the most ferocious nails. He pulled them out of his own hands and forced his opponent to eat them following a bar fight on a space station. The opponent later died of internal injuries. M’Kumbi’s nails were on average 9cm long.
FIERCEST TEETH
The last set ever owned by General Drunk Slobabout.(See above) They were coated with diamond dust and set in Buckminster Fullerine.
BIGGEST CAKDON
Buggeroff Youfucker of the Cakdon homeworld was the biggest ever Cakdon known. At death, he was 3.4m tall and weighed 400kg.
SMALLEST CAKDON
This honour goes to Bogeyface McFarter, a Captain of the Cakdon fleet. He was 0.89m tall at death and his coffin had to be packed out with kapok.
FATTEST CAKDON
Dingleberry Gruntarse from Feckdon holds this title presently. At the last weigh-in he was just over 600kg and broke the weighbridge.
BIGGEST TITS
The most enormous pair of tits ever recorded in Cakdon history belonged to M’Paps Dangler, who once tried to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart; directly beneath the right breast. She received surgery for injuries to both kneecaps before changing her mind.
LONGEST DICK
The longest dick currently in use reputedly belongs to rock musician Bum Doodah. It is said that he is able to tie it in a knot.
Around his neck.
The longest dick ever recorded in history was that of Bollocks Swinging, Owner of the famous Cakdon restaurant chain, ‘Letemswing’, who was once arrested for using his private parts in hand to hand combat. Bollocks Swinging died when his dick was caught in the underside mechanism of a hovercar and he was dragged out after it, whereupon most of him fell from a reasonable height.
THICKEST DICK
The thickest dick ever recorded was that of Buggerbugger Oohmy. At the last measurement it had a diameter of 17cm.
BIGGEST ARSE.
Belonged to Buggeroff Youfucker (See above).
MOST INTERESTING TITS
The most interesting tits in existence belong to Mauly Groper, famous Cakdon film star. She has two exciting stories written in braille on the left one, and a pornographic magazine, again in braille, on the right.
MOST CHILDREN
The most children ever born to a couple naturally in Cakdon space was 72. Suki Dikki, partner of General Bumtittybum, gave birth to three sets of triplets, four sets of twins and several individual births before divorcing him, and proceeding to produce triplets to her second husband and realising that it was not in fact Bumtittybum’s fault, whereupon she got divorced again and remarried her original husband. The couples were using contraception throughout.
HEAVIEST BABY
The heaviest baby ever recorded was in fact a fraud. Mucky Bugger of the planet Feckdon made the claim after stuffing her child with several grams of lead pellets up the anus. She was arrested and charged with cruelty and faking of a records claim. The child later farted and shot twenty seven people, some of them fatally.
LONGEST FAMILY TREE
The longest recorded family tree belongs to the Snot family, whose homeworld is Cakdon. The family can prove their authentic antiquity through twenty nine generations of heavy arms dealers and assassins; okay?
OLDEST CAKDON
The current holder of this record is M’Nuts Wobblalot, native of the planet Smegsuck. He is 71 years old by Federation reckoning.
MOST WOUNDED CAKDON
The survivor of the mogadon war, General Motherfucker Daily, has had sixteen serious wounds, eighty four life threatening wounds and has died nine times on the operating table.
COMMONEST DISEASES
The commonest disease by far to be suffered by Cakdons is probably the Cakdon ‘flu. It has always been a problem and scientists are baffled to this day as to how anything dares to live in those lungs.
The second commonest disease affecting Cakdons is probably of a sexual nature, which, owing to lack of space, we cannot go into here. However, rest assured that it does involve horrible things such as your tits falling off with no warning.
MAIN CAUSES OF DEATH
The most common cause of death amongst Cakdons used to be metal poisoning or burns; acquired during conflict. However, statistics imply that modern Cakdons are just as likely to be killed by hand to hand combat following a road accident as in any more violent manner.
LONGEST OPERATION
The longest operation ever recorded was performed upon M’Sicknow Alloverthplace of the colony Perv. She had a nineteen hour operation to remove an enemy from her throat, and a further six hour (consecutive) operation to remove the weapon wielded by her enemy, which had migrated as far as her lower bowel before being tracked down.
FIRST TRANSPLANT
The first transplant ever performed was upon B’Gum Itsabiggun from the Cakdon homeworld. He had his bollocks bitten off in an argument and subsequently received a donors testicles. Unfortunately , Itsabiggun being a black gentleman and the donor being caucasian, the result caused him to get into rather a lot of fights, all of which we are happy to say, he won. His insurance company, based on Gong, refused to pay compensation, saying the claim was just a load of balls.
MOST DRUGS TAKEN
The record for this is held for the first time this year by a non-Cakdon. Mr. Hairy Cakeliner of the planet Gong was recently admitted to hospital suffering from immediate obvious trauma, and upon having his stomach pumped, three thousand two hundred and thirty separate substances were detected by M.I.S. A further three substances were detected two hours later inside his bedsheets. He is now employed by research scientists as a permanent replacement for the outdated LD50 test.
LONGEST WITHOUT SEX
Fr. Oohmigoolies Achealot of the Boomermonks community on the planet Dooron claims to have never had sex in his entire life, currently at thirty nine years. We are looking for newcomers in this record category, so, girls and boys, get yourselves to Dooron and trash this guys chance, why don’t you?
LONGEST UNDERWATER
The record for the longest stay underwater is, somewhat unfairly, held by a member of the amphibian species from the planet Traxon. Ms. Helical Sudomero remained underwater for three and a half weeks, at a party on her home planet.
BELCHING
The most enormous belch this year was deemed illegal, due to one of the participants having swallowed an effervescing lifeform shortly before the competition. The lifeform was regurgitated and entered the contest, becoming the first ever wirral to win this category. Its name was Normann Foolowinnyiscapaninsho.
FARTING
The finest farter in the universe remains, as last year, Captain F’King Slob, whose anal symphonies can be heard on datasphere or disc at: gww.farting.fking.com
VOMITING
The most prolific puker on record is the arcade manager Blat Snot,whose famous gambling casinos are regularly entertained by his barfing, mixed over the house P.A. and in fact released at regular intervals as singles on Radio Gnome Invisible.
MOST PISSED PERSON
The most pissed person on record is difficult to determine, as so many people brag about this. The most pissed person actually examined was Mr. Hairy Cakeliner of Gong (see above).
MOST SERIOUS WOUNDING
The most serious wounding ever to be dealt with at a medical facility was that of M’Huge Dong, who had two thirds of an officers PC , including monitor, shoved up his arse and still lived. Dong had to have an arsehole transplant and his lower bowel replaced. It is rumoured that he is still unable to shit in lower case. His insurance company, based on Gong, refused compensation, saying it is unable to deal with claims on other people’s computers.
STUPID FACE PULLING
The record for this belongs to a gnome called Faulty Sidewinder, who has won the title for three years running. In this current year, the judges were so incapacitated by laughter at Sidewinder’s expressions that they were unable to vote, and the competition was re-run using pictures. The results really have to be seen to be believed.
FASTEST WANKER
Goolie McDangler of the planet Puke can have a complete wank, including orgasm, in 3.01 seconds. He is also famous for actually being able to have a wank without touching himself. This practice is, however, extremely noisy, and McDangler has been banned from several cinemas and holosuites, and also his local post office, for some reason.
CAKDON ACHIEVEMENTS
FIRST CAKDON TO HAVE SEX ON TALLEST MOUNTAIN
Bummy McNaughty screwed three women and two men on the peak of mount Fuckinenormous on Feckdon. They claimed a joint record although one of the others was later disqualified for the unauthorised use of antifreeze. McNaughty was nominated as the record holder as (1) it was his idea and (2) two of the others didn’t want their husbands to find out.
FIRST CAKDON IN SPACE
Was Goolie Waggling from the Cakdon homeworld. His first broadcast from orbit contained the immortal words,"Fuck me, it’s dark. And big."
FIRST CAKDON TO PISS ON THE MOON
Was Wank Baldfucker. In a live transmission in which billions of Cakdons witnessed that amazing piss, Baldfucker said, "Just one small piss for a man. But a giant dick if you look at the shadows, hey, brilliant."
FIRST CAKDON TO CONQUER ANOTHER PLANET
General Ballsofire of the first Cakdon fleet officially conquered the planet Puke several hundred years before anybody actually lived on it. The other indigenous lifeforms (i.e. plants), did however surrender (or at least failed to fight back in any significant manner.)
FIRST CAKDON TO HAVE SEX WITH AN ALIEN.
Was Wank Baldfucker. The giant dick-shaped shadow (see above) was in fact a giant dick, which Baldfucker was assaulted by and forced to copulate with several times before it released him with the warning, "Go find your own spot to piss in."
MOST POPULAR CAKDON TOURIST ATTRACTION
Used to be the planet Condom, where tourists were paid to screw locals, however this was made illegal by Condom’s government several years ago due to a financial crisis. Consequently, tourists are now paid to screw rodents, and the scheme has never really taken off.
LARGEST BANQUET
The second Cakdon Emperor, Hooflung Pilesoshit, threw a banquet which took up the entire space and resources of a whole continent.It was said, "The rivers flowed with vomit and the bodies blocked the aqueduct." Said by whom, we don’t know.
LARGEST PARTY
The largest party without food was probably the post-civil war celebration held on Cakdon. For three days and nights virtually the entire population threw a knees-up. Those who had been killed in the war were held up by friends to join in the dancing.
LONGEST PARTY
The longest party known of is the famous mobile party of Wallamaloo, which orbits Cakdon’s sun once every thirty years, and has always had an ongoing celebration on it since first observed. It is believed to be an asteroid, fitted with twelve bars, several restaurants and other entertainment facilities. Its origins and purpose are unknown.
PORCUPINE TWIRLING
A famous Cakdon sport of antiquity, the record for this is currently held by a non-Cakdon, Mr. Jimmy MacTavish of the planet Earth; a human. Mr. MacTavish is a master of the art of twirling porcupines and can be seen in action on the internet at gww.spinybastard.upyours.com
BED TRASHING
Grolly Spittoon, the famous rock musician, holds the record for trashing beds. He has receipts for 3,697 trashed beds from various hotels throughout the galaxy.
BEER MUG CARRYING
The greatest amount of beer mugs carried at one time by one person was 207, by Rita McFarter of the planet Tascam in the Dolby system. She put 102 of them inside her clothing and hung the rest on strings tied to various appendages.
SHIT SHOVELLING
F’King Puker of Feckdon shovelled 2,004 metric tons of shit in three hours, into a mass recycler for charity.
TURD SLICING
Master chef M’Nuts Dangle chopped 600 dog turds in two hours at the Crudstock festival on Traxon, breaking the previous record and four tables.
DRUMMING
The longest drum solo record is held by Grexley Umbala, Captain of the Cakdon ship Bollocks at the time.He played for 18 hours 20 minutes on civilian space station Prattus, where the contest was held. Six other drummers took part. Approximately a third of the residents evacuated, thinking the station was under attack, and two SOS calls were sent out to Starfleet.
SUCCESSFUL INTERROGATIONS
The greatest inquisitor ever was General Meanfucker Buggerem, who ate the private parts of his victims directly off their bodies, using only his teeth.His only failure was Cakdon double agent Ima Masochist, who married him afterwards.
SHEEP SHAGGING
This record is held by a human, Mr.Billy O’Shea of the planet Earth, who keeps a flock of 300 specifically for the purpose.
WINDOW BREAKING
Gong native Trashitoe Wreckedout broke 467 windows in ten minutes thirty seconds during the Cakdon marathon for the charity ‘Sad Fuckers In Need’.
An anonymous Starfleet officer nominated a Mr.Ramonsky of Nadeema for this year’s contest, but enquiries received no reply.
BULL WANKING
Film camera operator Bigblack Motherfucker of Cakdon holds this record, at 20 bulls in thirty minutes ten seconds. He has withdrawn from this year’s contest due to the large quantity of bulls gathering outside his house.
SHOUTING
The loudest shouter without amplification thus far recorded was General Biggun Chuckitabout, who exceeded 120db in a pep talk to his troops during the last civil war. He has been known to survive physical attacks merely by screaming and deafening his opponents.
LARGEST ORGY
The biggest orgy ever held in Cakdon space was on the planet Condom (see above), where the locals used to pay tourists to have sex with them. 4,302 people were reputedly involved in the orgy, which started spontaneously, and only stopped when the food ran out.
JUGGLING NITRO-GLYCERINE
Parfley Woccadocca, a gnome from the planet Camembert, holds this record. She successfully juggled 2.4 kilos of nitro-glycerine in small cubes the size of juggling balls. Several spectators were blown away by the experience.
CATTLE THROWING
Civilian M’Guts Fartalot won this category outright last year by flinging a cow 230m. The Cakdon animal rights consortium complained following the event, due to the fact that the cow had landed in their hovercar. Fartalot has received the offer of a private contract working for Bigblack Motherfucker (see above).
BIGGEST GLUTTON
The fat fat fat hero of the Cakdon Book of Records is Nasty McFasty of the planet Phew. She ate 700 rats, 2 dogs, 1400 f’kung lizards, 16 dog turds, 3 whole cows and a packet of lard in two hours to break the record.
SPITTING
The record for long-distance spitting is not yet established due to a dispute. One of the contestants, a Cak-tech android named Shiela, stood on a spaceship’s hull and gobbed at impulse speed. It is not yet known where the gob is or how far it travelled through space before stopping, if indeed it has.
BUNNY SHITS
The record for spitting a bunny shit on land is 37m, achieved on the low-gravity moon of planet Phew.
INDIVIDUAL FOOD EATING
Nympho Stripper ate 700 turds in three minutes ten seconds at last year’s contest. 748 chocolate bees were devoured in less than one minute by Goolie McNuts.
MOST FRIGHTENING MEAL
F’King Buggeration was taken for a surprise meal by friends to the restaurant on board the ship she had just been assigned to. Unbeknown to her, the ‘restaurant’ was in fact a holodeck, and halfway through her meal, the red hot squid she was eating got off the plate and strangled her into unconsciousness. She took it all in her stride, saying , ‘I’m game for a laugh’.
EAGLE PLUCKING
Bastard Mc Nasty plucked a live eagle in less than four minutes, breaking the previous record by two days.
POGOING IN MINEFIELD
Fuck McDevastator successfully crossed a minefield on a pogostick twice before getting one of his legs blown off.
WINGBOXING
Bastard McNasty and Fuck McDevastator fought three rounds of Cakdon boxing on the wing of a light aircraft on Feckdon.
WINGBONKING
Bastard Mc Nasty and Fuck McDevastator shagged each other for one hour forty minutes on the wing of a light aircraft on Feckdon.
SPORTS AND GAMES
WEIGHTLIFTING
Bigblack Motherfucker of Cakdon lifted a hovercar weighing 2 metric tons , after a road accident, and flung it off the edge of a cliff. The insurance company, based on Gong, said it was an act of god and refused to pay up.
MUD WRESTLING
Nympho Stripper holds the interplanetary championship for the third year running and for the first two years lying down.
HOO FLUNG DUNG
F’King Dooyeredin, a Boomer monk from Dooron, won this year’s championship, beating seventeen other competitors and killing two.
HORSE RACING
Filth Dickweed, interplanetary olympics champion in the 500m flat race, beat thirteen horses in the Gong Steeplechasing International, winning 700 credits and a silver saddle, which he claims to wear whilst making love to his wife.
HEDGEDIVING
Heplain Wibbledoppler, a gnome living on Cakdon, introduced the sport of hedgediving about twenty years ago. Since then there have been champions from various worlds, this year’s being Sanyan Wimbad of Earth, whose headlong dive into a blackthorn hedge narrowly beat the attempt of Cakdon Ima Masochist only because she refused to get out again after the competition was over.
LEISURE AND ENTERTAINMENT
LARGEST NATURIST CAMP
Is on the tropical planet Fornicate in sector 2. Tycoon Richardion Marniero, who owns the planet, took advantage of its climate to open the luxury camp, which covers two continents and a linking archipelago. The camp is exclusive, and affordable only by the very rich. Fornicate is the only known planet on which the annual income from cosmetic surgery exceeds that of any of its other export or trade.
MOST DANGEROUS FAIRGROUND RIDE
Is the famous ‘Kamikaze flinger’ at Marniero’s ‘Fuckton Towers’ theme park on Cakdon. The ride accelerates people in a centrifuge before the outer doors open, flinging the occupants into a huge pool filled with pirhanas. The participants then have to swim out without getting bitten in order to qualify for another free go.
MOST POPULAR HOLODECK PROGRAMMES
The top 10 Cakdon holodeck programmes in order of popularity are:
- Six hours in paradise (RMA)
- Eat, puke and get screwed (RMA)
- Conquer the universe (CAKVIR)
- War zone (RMA)
- Wanky races (BALLS)
- Might and glory (CAKVIR)
- Boom raider (RMA)
- Let’s shoot the government (pirate)
- Food fight and fornication (CAKVIR)
- Sex with Sleekbot (pirate)
BIGGEST WORK OF ART
The largest work of art in Cakdon space is the sculpted canal of Arsector Prime, which is 129km in length and is shaped like a huge dong. A marina at the top end forms a 400m wide fanny to complete the sculpture.
SMALLEST WORK OF ART
The smallest known work of art is called ‘Cloud cuckoo’, and consists of sub-atomic interactions inside an electron cloud chamber owned by surrealist Salvador Dickhead. It can only be observed by participators.
LONGEST BOOK
The lengthiest book in Cakdon history is the autobiography of General Macho Diarrhoea. Called ‘My great exploits’, the author had to purchase a second PC whilst writing it, because the first one ran out of memory space. It has 600 chapters per volume, 49 volumes and 6 appendices, one of which is filled with colour pictures of the General in strikingly valiant poses, animated sequences of the General re-enacting certain exploits and filmed footage of the General doing interviews about the book.
MOST CENSORED BOOK
The most censored book in Cakdon space was the final emperors copy of the treasury accounts during his reign. It is not on display in the Cakdon Central Museum, next to his head.
MOST POPULAR BAND
Cakdon’s all-time favourite band is ‘The Dung Beetles’, whose every single has made it into the top ten, and whose 41 albums are still selling well since the band split up nineteen years ago, after the drummer shot the lead guitarist.
MOST POPULAR FILM
The most popular film to date is Wallop Doorfat’s ‘Holy Shit’, starring Molly Sleekbot.
CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
WORST ACT OF VANDALISM
Was committed by Cakdon fighter pilot F’Tang Tit when her boyfriend left her for another species. She painted the words ‘fuck you’ on an asteroid, tractor-beamed it into the atmosphere of the moon on which he lived, and dropped it. The resulting crater filled with water and is now known as ‘Jealousea’. Tit’s insurance company, based on Gong, sued the boyfriend for damages, and won.
MOST SUCCESSFUL FORGER
The best forger ever known was Wooly Macnamara of Camembert. He produced a perfect replica, in orbit, of his own planet’s moon, confusing the hell out of astronomers for weeks until somebody tried to land on it, and discovered it was basically cardboard.
MOST CORRUPT ELECTION
On the planet Phew, shortly after it was conquered, six billion people voted to accept the Cakdon emperor as their leader. The planet’s entire population at the time was 2.4 billion.
MOST PROLIFIC MURDERER
Was Thunderguts O’Phlegm of Cakdon, who killed 77 orchestra conductors before being caught after a nine-year investigation. O’Phlegm’s excuse was that as a child, a man once poked him with a baton.
LARGEST ROBBERY
Undoubtedly the theft of space station Shitface 1 during the Cakdon civil war. It was found abandoned and wrapped around an asteroid afterwards. The insurance company, based on Gong, claimed it was abducted by aliens and refused to pay up.
MOST ARRESTS
The Cakdon with the worst criminal record is Pukey Bumflaf, who has been arrested 6,224 times, over 4,000 of those for petty theft. Bumflaf says he is trying to raise the money for a species change operation. Apparently he wants to be a Gnome.
MISCELLANEOUS
MOST POPULAR RELIGION
The most popular religion in Cakdon space used to be Boomerism. However, since becoming part of the augmented federation, this has changed. Satanism is increasingly popular amongst Cakdons these days, as is the worship of Shanka-Titta, the Gnome goddess of hedonism.
LEAST POPULAR RELIGION
The least popular religion amongst Cakdons is the worship of Vanilla, a god of ice-cream.It still, however, attracts a few perverts.
WORST MISER
The worst miser ever known was Dock Smeg of Cakdon. Despite being a millionaire, Smeg caught, cooked and ate his own shit , and very little else, for nearly ten years of his life. It is thought that he must have eaten the same meal some 600,000 times.
LONGEST REIGN
The longest reigning emperor was Macho Variant III, DURING THE Dong dynasty. He ruled officially for 59 years, the last 23 of them during death.
SHORTEST REIGN
Was that of emperor Dung Bumsucker I, whose status as leader of his people lasted from the words ‘I now crown you’ until the knife from the balcony entered his chest. The insurance company, based on Gong, claimed Bumsucker’s policy was invalid, due to him stating occupation as ‘government minister’, and neglecting to mention the change of occupation before the accident happened.
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