When Jill and Alex first told me they were getting married, I was quite annoyed - 'cause I quite like Jill!
So, anyway, after I'd been through therapy and had counselling and fought off an addiction to anti-depressants and then taken part in a few failed suicide attempts I finally got used to the fact that Jill was gonna marry my mad dad.
And then I realised that there were actually a couple of really good things about Alex and Jill getting married. One - For the first time in ages, I'll actually have a mum that I can bring all my problems to and winge at - and I intend to! And two - For the first time, I'll actually have relatives who aren't mad, and who are actually quite nice.
So I guess this brings us to the question: is Alex worth it? Well, er, I've got a news flash for you, Jill. Alex is not so perfect.
Alex, remember when you came home from the pub, pissed, and decided to make a bacon sandwich, during the course of which you managed to drop a knife through your foot, pinning yourself to the floor? Then, when you managed to get the knife out, you sat there for half an hour eating your sandwich and then you made Emrys mop up the blood. Then you stitched your foot up!
Or when we were on our way home from the pub and we went and stole the tree from our neighbour's garden?
You see - this is the man you're marrying, Jill. He's nothing but a common criminal with a Napoleon complex. But despite all this, you both seem happy and Jill seems to like him, so I wish you both the best of luck.
I have some letters here from people who couldn't make it.
We have a message from Richard O'Brien: "Sorry, I can't make it because I'm in America. Maybe next time."
Mozart said: "Can't make it. I'm dead. Sorry."
Bill Gates said: "I'm not coming to your party unless you stop hacking my software, you bastards."
Tony Blair and family said: "We're not coming. Stop inviting us to all your parties. We don't even know you."
Count Dracula said: "Sorry, Saturday is feeding day."
And now I'd like to propose a toast. To Alex and Jill - may you both live long and prosper.
